Growing through the mud
My mind has a million things going through it right now and it doesn't seem to slow down. Ever. I have been wanting to sit down and write but can never seem to find the motivation, the words, or time to do so. We all have seasons that test our faith, our hope, our trust, seasons that just test us. I am in that storm right now. I am trying to find the rhythm of the storm so that I can catch on and dance with it. I am trying to find the grace in the midst of it all.
I am a woman who loves to help others. I love to give, and sometimes too much. Christmas time makes it feel like the world is more at peace, unless your shopping, and that people are more giving. It is my favorite time of the year. The lights, the traditions, the food, all the snuggly time with my family, and ugly sweaters. I began to lose my joy when something was going wrong day after day ( and I literally mean day after day). It wasn't until I had a coffee date with a dear friend of mine that was talking about all her mud and she mentioned finding the joy of it all. The "what if's". I am thankful for a friend like her, who is completely centered around God yet speaks truth when we need it. I had to check myself at that moment. I had been completely negative about the devastating events that had taken place the night before and couldn't shake the havoc that was happening in my life.
While more chaos began as the days passed, the stress was growing, and my eyes were less focused on what was most important. God. There is a message in everything that comes our way. There is a reason as to why we go through storms. Sometimes it takes a while to realize "why" but I refuse to question it. I had a breakdown in the middle of last week which I needed a good cry. I laugh now because it doesn't seem so bad, but during it feels impossible.
What I forgot to do when reacting to the worldly things around me was to be grateful.
My husband is an amazing man. He balances me out. He tells me when I need to get it together and helps figure out how. Friday night he wasn't able to sleep and I found him in the office very vulnerable with pictures of his dead friends everywhere. There was one that stood out. It was a picture of him and I. Now, seeing all those dead people then a photo of us, I immediately thought negatively. But why? He told me he printed that photo because that was the moment when he truly knew he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Negativity and anxiety are a couple things that I deal with daily and I thought I was doing better with them. I was, until everything started going wrong. The same negative emotions ran through me when we woke up to a flat tire on the truck the day after my dog got attacked.
Negative thinking is a survival strategy that causes us to look for what is wrong so that we can protect ourselves against danger, but it is a very bad strategy because our thoughts actually create reality. So instead of preventing bad things from happening, we are telling the quantum mind to materialize them. - GOOGLE
I lived this way for a long time and sometimes old ways linger. I have even lost my husband for a moment in time because of it (before we were married). Shitty things happened multiple days in a row, but in that week I was feeding off all the negativity. I forgot to be thankful for all the things that were going right. When I stopped being negative and began being thankful for each moment, the stress started lifting. Plus, I got to see all the blessings coming our way. We may have canceled our Christmas vacation, the girls' presents may have been stolen, we may be out a few hundred dollars, and have to go to court a couple times because of a viscous attack on our dog, but we have more than enough.
I sat and prayed and just thanked the Lord for everything. All the mud and rain. Blessings started pouring in. My husband received an unexpected bonus, the company where I bought the girls' presents from sent me a replacement order, my tire had dry rot so the manufacture can replace it, a cop gracefully gave me a pass when pulling me over, a friend's husband can my fix my car, Grandma's surgery went better than imagined, my students and co-workers showed me love with Christmas gifts, prayers, and words of affirmation and my friends go above and beyond for my family.
Trying to build an unshakable foundation, one that stays strong in the middle of storms, is really hard to safeguard when your focus isn't entirely on the word of God. Storms are completely inevitable and are only a test of faith.
Sunday at church our pastor said " peace requires preparation". That really punched me in the gut after a week of chaos. I need to be more at peace with everything and I don't necessarily know how to prepare for that. Even if we lose at court, I have to prepare to have peace with that. This year my best friend and I had a falling out, which is silly for two people who have been friends since 8th grade, but
I texted her in the moments of seeing my husband vulnerable. She asked to go to coffee, but honestly, I am not prepared for that. Not prepared for peace. Which doesn't make any sense in my heart because I miss her so freaking much. So, now I have to work on preparing for peace. Even if peace means it didn't happen the way I wanted it to. God always has my back. He gives us mercy.
"God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."- Crazy Love, pg. 300.
I often wonder who my guardian angels are because they know for sure I am one hot mess but I am still worthy of His love and grace. And so are you.
I am a woman who loves to help others. I love to give, and sometimes too much. Christmas time makes it feel like the world is more at peace, unless your shopping, and that people are more giving. It is my favorite time of the year. The lights, the traditions, the food, all the snuggly time with my family, and ugly sweaters. I began to lose my joy when something was going wrong day after day ( and I literally mean day after day). It wasn't until I had a coffee date with a dear friend of mine that was talking about all her mud and she mentioned finding the joy of it all. The "what if's". I am thankful for a friend like her, who is completely centered around God yet speaks truth when we need it. I had to check myself at that moment. I had been completely negative about the devastating events that had taken place the night before and couldn't shake the havoc that was happening in my life.
While more chaos began as the days passed, the stress was growing, and my eyes were less focused on what was most important. God. There is a message in everything that comes our way. There is a reason as to why we go through storms. Sometimes it takes a while to realize "why" but I refuse to question it. I had a breakdown in the middle of last week which I needed a good cry. I laugh now because it doesn't seem so bad, but during it feels impossible.
What I forgot to do when reacting to the worldly things around me was to be grateful.
My husband is an amazing man. He balances me out. He tells me when I need to get it together and helps figure out how. Friday night he wasn't able to sleep and I found him in the office very vulnerable with pictures of his dead friends everywhere. There was one that stood out. It was a picture of him and I. Now, seeing all those dead people then a photo of us, I immediately thought negatively. But why? He told me he printed that photo because that was the moment when he truly knew he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Negativity and anxiety are a couple things that I deal with daily and I thought I was doing better with them. I was, until everything started going wrong. The same negative emotions ran through me when we woke up to a flat tire on the truck the day after my dog got attacked.
Negative thinking is a survival strategy that causes us to look for what is wrong so that we can protect ourselves against danger, but it is a very bad strategy because our thoughts actually create reality. So instead of preventing bad things from happening, we are telling the quantum mind to materialize them. - GOOGLE
I lived this way for a long time and sometimes old ways linger. I have even lost my husband for a moment in time because of it (before we were married). Shitty things happened multiple days in a row, but in that week I was feeding off all the negativity. I forgot to be thankful for all the things that were going right. When I stopped being negative and began being thankful for each moment, the stress started lifting. Plus, I got to see all the blessings coming our way. We may have canceled our Christmas vacation, the girls' presents may have been stolen, we may be out a few hundred dollars, and have to go to court a couple times because of a viscous attack on our dog, but we have more than enough.
I sat and prayed and just thanked the Lord for everything. All the mud and rain. Blessings started pouring in. My husband received an unexpected bonus, the company where I bought the girls' presents from sent me a replacement order, my tire had dry rot so the manufacture can replace it, a cop gracefully gave me a pass when pulling me over, a friend's husband can my fix my car, Grandma's surgery went better than imagined, my students and co-workers showed me love with Christmas gifts, prayers, and words of affirmation and my friends go above and beyond for my family.
Trying to build an unshakable foundation, one that stays strong in the middle of storms, is really hard to safeguard when your focus isn't entirely on the word of God. Storms are completely inevitable and are only a test of faith.
Sunday at church our pastor said " peace requires preparation". That really punched me in the gut after a week of chaos. I need to be more at peace with everything and I don't necessarily know how to prepare for that. Even if we lose at court, I have to prepare to have peace with that. This year my best friend and I had a falling out, which is silly for two people who have been friends since 8th grade, but
I texted her in the moments of seeing my husband vulnerable. She asked to go to coffee, but honestly, I am not prepared for that. Not prepared for peace. Which doesn't make any sense in my heart because I miss her so freaking much. So, now I have to work on preparing for peace. Even if peace means it didn't happen the way I wanted it to. God always has my back. He gives us mercy.
"God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."- Crazy Love, pg. 300.
I often wonder who my guardian angels are because they know for sure I am one hot mess but I am still worthy of His love and grace. And so are you.
Image from Pinterest
XOXO,
Cayla
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