To the Wife who feels alone
Hey Friend,
We see each other at the parks, the super market, and school functions. I see you trying to manage it all. Getting the kids to stop whining so you can figure what it was that you wrote on that grocery list. I see you trying to pack all the groceries in alone. I see you trying to talk to the teachers and other parents as your kids are hanging to your legs. I see you trying to gain a moment in the fresh air as your kid almost takes a leap off the playground. I know the feeling all too well. Years of this experience should mean I am an expert. I have seemed to mastered this long-term because it is all I have known. But some days, for the love of the Lord, I need help. We all do. We all want an extra set of hands at bath time, bed time, taking turns chauffeuring multiple days out of the week. The longing of dinner being cooked for you so you don't get the last plate because by time everyone is done demanding all their extras that coincide with dinner, your plate is cold. Blah. Cereal for one, please.
I get it. I feel you. I feel for you.
My husband works weird hours. He is a gasoline hauler along with being the dispatcher and driver supervisor of all the employees. He gets home in the middle of the night excited to tell me all the crazy things he encountered. He's exhausted when I am having my first cup of coffee.Being the wife of a gasoline hauler brings the long hours and loneliness. Just as I am sure wives whose husband's positions require long hours. To the military wives, police wives, firefighting wives, wives of lawyers, wives to husbands who are in ministry work, or whatever, I feel you, girl. It is hard, lonely, sometimes depressing, and it weighs on us. We have to wear many more hats than we dreamt of when we said "I DO". Oh, and before I forget, to all you wives, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing your husband to protect the community and the country. I commend you for your position as his wife. You are the real version of an idol.
I feel like there is more of us then we tend to see. Most likely because no one wants to talk about the dark sides of motherhood and marriage. No one warns us of the darker feelings that come with the positions our husbands take, we tend to just see the good. We are masters of covering up what looks lonely to look great. None of us want to be seen as the hotmessmomexpress... To all of you who can get up and look amazing before you get your kids off to school, I applaud you. It is hard to get a cup of coffee in and a bra on when you sleep past 7! I do not always do this.. see next blog post :)
I wanted to share how I do it.. because I am an expert, right :)
1. Find your tribe.. and love them hard.
I could not live the way I do with out a tribe. Finding friends who care for you and your kiddos and loves them is so important. There are so many of us that need mom friends, friends who understand the dynamics of family, and the fact that we need a mental health break sometimes. I am so blessed and humbled of my growing village. Years ago, as a new mom, I refused to let my kids be watched by any one other than grandma. Now, I can't wait for the neighbor to ask for them to come over. My village has grown from meeting mommas from school ( I joined PTA and get to know my children's friends parents), soccer team, dance moms, neighbors, work, and friends. Sometimes at night I NEED help juggling school functions and sports practices, so having someone to call and say "hey, can Amerie ride with you tonight?" is a must. And be that back for them. If you don't have a village like this yet, plug in. Join mom groups on social media, have your kids do a sport and connect with the parents, get involved at your school, and if your kiddo is too young, find a playdate group. It hard juggling life with no help. I learned I need people in all four areas of my rink.
2. Live a little
Make some time for you and your friends, and of course, your hardworking hubby. Even if it is a couple of hours week or two, DO IT! Make sexy time fun, while the kids are in the other room watching cartoons. Enjoy wine. Get a pedicure. Go to a ladies wine and paint night, even by yourself. Send the kids to a friend and go to a movie (which btw is amazing, I recommend this first). Make a coffee date and catch up with that friend who is (or isn't) childless and doesn't get it. BE HAPPY. Your kids will thank you for this. You and your hubby are making sacrifices but living is not out of the question. Create memories. Time is not something you get a refund for. SO GO LIVE!
3. Get spiritual
Okay, I'm not saying become a bible thumper here. Hold on.. I have point with being spiritual. Work out, meditate, do yoga, read, or make a grateful journal. Take it out on the weights or the floor. Endorphins are amazing. Do something, and do it early before no one gets up. I like to journal, mediate, and do yoga. Pray for your kids and your hubby, and of course wisdom to be strong enough to juggle it all. Encourage your hubby and your kids when they miss him. They all will thank you, including your heart.
I bet some of you are thinking, great now I have to be happy about it all too? No. But praising the heavens or whatever you believe in, will be used when you are struggling. It will bring you closer to your husband. It will leave you feeling less alone. It will be used for your children when they grow up and understand all that you went through and had a happy, loving, caring heart through it all. I know this because I live it.
4. Resentment.. don't let it consume. your heart <3
There are days I am jealous my husband goes to work, gets to get out of the house and mingle with adults. Jealous he isn't fighting over what show we get to watch for hours on end, here it is Henry Danger or SING. Jealous he got to shower, alone. Feelings of resentment from time to time are valid but not worth feeding into or off of. We all feel sick, tired, and sick and tired of the day to day sacrifices. I KNOW it sometimes seems more than we can handle and just want to give up, especially after all the whine.. and wine is gone.. and that kiddo is asleep and now you can't run to the store to get more. WINE about it, write it down, cool down. Tomorrow will be better, I promise you. You got this. But when your hubby is home and the time is right, voice your frustrations. Make it known, be grateful, and do not make them feel guilty.. they already feel guilty being gone from you. What may seem like a paradise to them, really isn't. That home cooked meal instead of a packed lunch, a warm bed with you next to them each night, reading to the kids before bed, they miss it. Men just are different about showing it.
Yesterday, I wanted to give it all up. I sat at the park and read my bible for more than hour. I cried. I prayed. I drank my coffee. But today, I am happy. I know some days are harder than others. I am in ten years of this, I KNOW. Remember, you are not alone. You got this. We just need to stick together.
We see each other at the parks, the super market, and school functions. I see you trying to manage it all. Getting the kids to stop whining so you can figure what it was that you wrote on that grocery list. I see you trying to pack all the groceries in alone. I see you trying to talk to the teachers and other parents as your kids are hanging to your legs. I see you trying to gain a moment in the fresh air as your kid almost takes a leap off the playground. I know the feeling all too well. Years of this experience should mean I am an expert. I have seemed to mastered this long-term because it is all I have known. But some days, for the love of the Lord, I need help. We all do. We all want an extra set of hands at bath time, bed time, taking turns chauffeuring multiple days out of the week. The longing of dinner being cooked for you so you don't get the last plate because by time everyone is done demanding all their extras that coincide with dinner, your plate is cold. Blah. Cereal for one, please.
I get it. I feel you. I feel for you.
My husband works weird hours. He is a gasoline hauler along with being the dispatcher and driver supervisor of all the employees. He gets home in the middle of the night excited to tell me all the crazy things he encountered. He's exhausted when I am having my first cup of coffee.Being the wife of a gasoline hauler brings the long hours and loneliness. Just as I am sure wives whose husband's positions require long hours. To the military wives, police wives, firefighting wives, wives of lawyers, wives to husbands who are in ministry work, or whatever, I feel you, girl. It is hard, lonely, sometimes depressing, and it weighs on us. We have to wear many more hats than we dreamt of when we said "I DO". Oh, and before I forget, to all you wives, THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing your husband to protect the community and the country. I commend you for your position as his wife. You are the real version of an idol.
I feel like there is more of us then we tend to see. Most likely because no one wants to talk about the dark sides of motherhood and marriage. No one warns us of the darker feelings that come with the positions our husbands take, we tend to just see the good. We are masters of covering up what looks lonely to look great. None of us want to be seen as the hotmessmomexpress... To all of you who can get up and look amazing before you get your kids off to school, I applaud you. It is hard to get a cup of coffee in and a bra on when you sleep past 7! I do not always do this.. see next blog post :)
I wanted to share how I do it.. because I am an expert, right :)
1. Find your tribe.. and love them hard.
I could not live the way I do with out a tribe. Finding friends who care for you and your kiddos and loves them is so important. There are so many of us that need mom friends, friends who understand the dynamics of family, and the fact that we need a mental health break sometimes. I am so blessed and humbled of my growing village. Years ago, as a new mom, I refused to let my kids be watched by any one other than grandma. Now, I can't wait for the neighbor to ask for them to come over. My village has grown from meeting mommas from school ( I joined PTA and get to know my children's friends parents), soccer team, dance moms, neighbors, work, and friends. Sometimes at night I NEED help juggling school functions and sports practices, so having someone to call and say "hey, can Amerie ride with you tonight?" is a must. And be that back for them. If you don't have a village like this yet, plug in. Join mom groups on social media, have your kids do a sport and connect with the parents, get involved at your school, and if your kiddo is too young, find a playdate group. It hard juggling life with no help. I learned I need people in all four areas of my rink.
2. Live a little
Make some time for you and your friends, and of course, your hardworking hubby. Even if it is a couple of hours week or two, DO IT! Make sexy time fun, while the kids are in the other room watching cartoons. Enjoy wine. Get a pedicure. Go to a ladies wine and paint night, even by yourself. Send the kids to a friend and go to a movie (which btw is amazing, I recommend this first). Make a coffee date and catch up with that friend who is (or isn't) childless and doesn't get it. BE HAPPY. Your kids will thank you for this. You and your hubby are making sacrifices but living is not out of the question. Create memories. Time is not something you get a refund for. SO GO LIVE!
3. Get spiritual
Okay, I'm not saying become a bible thumper here. Hold on.. I have point with being spiritual. Work out, meditate, do yoga, read, or make a grateful journal. Take it out on the weights or the floor. Endorphins are amazing. Do something, and do it early before no one gets up. I like to journal, mediate, and do yoga. Pray for your kids and your hubby, and of course wisdom to be strong enough to juggle it all. Encourage your hubby and your kids when they miss him. They all will thank you, including your heart.
I bet some of you are thinking, great now I have to be happy about it all too? No. But praising the heavens or whatever you believe in, will be used when you are struggling. It will bring you closer to your husband. It will leave you feeling less alone. It will be used for your children when they grow up and understand all that you went through and had a happy, loving, caring heart through it all. I know this because I live it.
4. Resentment.. don't let it consume. your heart <3
There are days I am jealous my husband goes to work, gets to get out of the house and mingle with adults. Jealous he isn't fighting over what show we get to watch for hours on end, here it is Henry Danger or SING. Jealous he got to shower, alone. Feelings of resentment from time to time are valid but not worth feeding into or off of. We all feel sick, tired, and sick and tired of the day to day sacrifices. I KNOW it sometimes seems more than we can handle and just want to give up, especially after all the whine.. and wine is gone.. and that kiddo is asleep and now you can't run to the store to get more. WINE about it, write it down, cool down. Tomorrow will be better, I promise you. You got this. But when your hubby is home and the time is right, voice your frustrations. Make it known, be grateful, and do not make them feel guilty.. they already feel guilty being gone from you. What may seem like a paradise to them, really isn't. That home cooked meal instead of a packed lunch, a warm bed with you next to them each night, reading to the kids before bed, they miss it. Men just are different about showing it.
Yesterday, I wanted to give it all up. I sat at the park and read my bible for more than hour. I cried. I prayed. I drank my coffee. But today, I am happy. I know some days are harder than others. I am in ten years of this, I KNOW. Remember, you are not alone. You got this. We just need to stick together.
XOXO,
CAYLA
👐❤️
ReplyDelete